Many interracial couples in Korea seek couples counseling when they are struggling to understand each other’s cultural differences, life values, and different needs and desires within the relationship.
However, couples counseling is not always the best place to begin.
As I meet with each partner individually during the intake process, I have found it important to assess whether couples counseling is appropriate and whether both partners are ready to engage in the work together. There are situations where individual therapy or other forms of support may need to come first.
Here are three situations in which I may not recommend starting couples counseling right away.
1. ONGOING AFFAIRS:
Couples counseling works best when both partners are fully engaged in working together, developing healthier ways of building intimacy, and committing to honesty and respect within the relationship.
When one partner is continuing to engage in an affair, particularly when it is being kept secret from the other partner, it becomes difficult to create the level of trust and honesty that couples work requires. In these situations, I may recommend addressing the individual’s choices and behaviors first before beginning couples counseling.
This does not mean that their relationship cannot recover from infidelity. It means that both partners need to be in a place where they can honestly participate in the process of rebuilding trust.
2. PERSONALITY DISORDERS:
Sometimes one partner may be experiencing significant difficulties with emotional regulation, anger outbursts, impulsivity, or other personality features that make it difficult to participate safely and productively in couples counseling.
For example, significant narcissistic features, borderline personality features, severe emotional dysregulation, or current suicidal attempts may require individual treatment and stabilization before beginning couples work.
In these situations, I may recommend that one partner begin individual therapy and/or psychiatric treatment first to develop tools for emotional regulation, managing anger, tolerating distress, and responding to difficult emotions. Once these skills are more established, couples counseling may become a more appropriate option.
3. SAFETY CONCERNS:
Couples counseling may not be appropriate when there are concerns about safety within the relationship.
This can include domestic violence, coercive control, intimidation, or situations where one partner does not feel safe expressing themselves freely in the presence of the other partner.
Substance use can also be an important concern. For example, if one partner is struggling with alcohol or substance use and does not have any motivation to address or regulate their use, couples counseling may not be the best starting point. Individual treatment may need to come first.
Couples counseling involves an intensive emotional process. It requires both partners to tolerate difficult feelings, sit with pain without becoming defensive, and reflect on what each person can take accountability for and change before asking their partner to change.
It is not simply a place to tell your partner what they are doing wrong.
For couples counseling to be helpful, both partners need to have enough emotional capacity and willingness to engage in this process with maturity, honesty, and respect. There needs to be room for what I often think of as a “wise mind” approach, where we can slow down, reflect, and consider both our own needs and our partner’s experience.
This is why I conduct an individual intake with each partner before beginning couples counseling. The purpose is not to judge either partner or to decide who is right or wrong. Rather, it is to understand the relationship dynamics, identify potential risks, and determine what type of treatment would be most helpful at that particular time.
Couples counseling is not always about working on the relationship first. Sometimes, the most important work begins with each person.
Welcome to the OCEAN, where your potentials, beautiful inner parts, and conflicts are honored and respected. Take a Deep Dive. Start Today.
- Dr. Jungeun Kim
Many interracial couples in Korea seek couples counseling when they are struggling to understand each other’s cultural differences, life values, and different needs and desires within the relationship.
However, couples counseling is not always the best place to begin.
As I meet with each partner individually during the intake process, I have found it important to assess whether couples counseling is appropriate and whether both partners are ready to engage in the work together. There are situations where individual therapy or other forms of support may need to come first.
Here are three situations in which I may not recommend starting couples counseling right away.
1. ONGOING AFFAIRS:
Couples counseling works best when both partners are fully engaged in working together, developing healthier ways of building intimacy, and committing to honesty and respect within the relationship.
When one partner is continuing to engage in an affair, particularly when it is being kept secret from the other partner, it becomes difficult to create the level of trust and honesty that couples work requires. In these situations, I may recommend addressing the individual’s choices and behaviors first before beginning couples counseling.
This does not mean that their relationship cannot recover from infidelity. It means that both partners need to be in a place where they can honestly participate in the process of rebuilding trust.
2. PERSONALITY DISORDERS:
Sometimes one partner may be experiencing significant difficulties with emotional regulation, anger outbursts, impulsivity, or other personality features that make it difficult to participate safely and productively in couples counseling.
For example, significant narcissistic features, borderline personality features, severe emotional dysregulation, or current suicidal attempts may require individual treatment and stabilization before beginning couples work.
In these situations, I may recommend that one partner begin individual therapy and/or psychiatric treatment first to develop tools for emotional regulation, managing anger, tolerating distress, and responding to difficult emotions. Once these skills are more established, couples counseling may become a more appropriate option.
3. SAFETY CONCERNS:
Couples counseling may not be appropriate when there are concerns about safety within the relationship.
This can include domestic violence, coercive control, intimidation, or situations where one partner does not feel safe expressing themselves freely in the presence of the other partner.
Substance use can also be an important concern. For example, if one partner is struggling with alcohol or substance use and does not have any motivation to address or regulate their use, couples counseling may not be the best starting point. Individual treatment may need to come first.
Couples counseling involves an intensive emotional process. It requires both partners to tolerate difficult feelings, sit with pain without becoming defensive, and reflect on what each person can take accountability for and change before asking their partner to change.
It is not simply a place to tell your partner what they are doing wrong.
For couples counseling to be helpful, both partners need to have enough emotional capacity and willingness to engage in this process with maturity, honesty, and respect. There needs to be room for what I often think of as a “wise mind” approach, where we can slow down, reflect, and consider both our own needs and our partner’s experience.
This is why I conduct an individual intake with each partner before beginning couples counseling. The purpose is not to judge either partner or to decide who is right or wrong. Rather, it is to understand the relationship dynamics, identify potential risks, and determine what type of treatment would be most helpful at that particular time.
Couples counseling is not always about working on the relationship first. Sometimes, the most important work begins with each person.
Welcome to the OCEAN, where your potentials, beautiful inner parts, and conflicts are honored and respected. Take a Deep Dive. Start Today.
- Dr. Jungeun Kim